Why Tag is actually a terrible depiction of friendship

Thanks to youtube, I’ve been thinking a lot about Tag and I realized, especially given that we’re not allowed to touch anyone anymore, now is the perfect time to discuss this. And let me just preface this by saying I absolutely adore this film and will defend it to the end of my days. So this is not me hating on it. This is just me examining some of the few flaws in an otherwise stellar motion picture.

So on the surface, this seems like a film about the power of friendship and how the bonds of brotherhood can overcome anything but, upon closer examination, I realized this friendship is one of the most toxic I’ve seen in the history of film. For starters, let’s take a look at some of the collateral damage, shall we?

For starters, they completely shatter a window in a very upscale country club and took away the venue where Jerry and his betrothed were to have their wedding reception just so they could get a decent shot at tagging them and they didn’t even succeed in doing that. And even before this, Hoagie ruined Callahan’s interview with a reporter and took away a janitorial job from someone who no doubt needed it way more than a well-to-do dentist with an already successful practice. And, yes, I know she got another scoop covering their stupid tag game but, still, this could have been a great PR for his company and he completely destroyed that opportunity just so he could perpetuate this childish game.

Moving on, the next toxic move comes when Jerry invites Cheryl Deakins to the rehearsal dinner whom apparently both Chilli and Callahan have a thing for. Again, keep in mind these guys are supposed to be the best of friends and yet he was willing to let them tear each other apart over a pretty girl just so he could avoid getting tagged in a silly game. And maybe if that’s all that happened, we could overlook it but trust me; we’ve only just begun. It gets much worse.

Next, they steal golf carts and, as they’re in pursuit, Jerry throws golf balls at them just to try and make a clean getaway. This could have easily caused them to crash into a tree and suffer some serious injuries (and they do actually crash into a log later on) but, as long as he gets away scot-free, who cares, right? And next is probably the worst part of all. He rigged a log to ram into Chilli and sends him flying back at least ten yards. He also traps hoagie in a net and chloroforms sable before leaving him in the middle of the woods tied to a tree. Again, they’re supposed to be friends and yet here he is physically assaulting people, trapping them in inescapable nets and essentially leaving them for dead in the middle of the forest.

And we haven’t even gotten to the parts where he had his wife fake a miscarriage just so he could get out of a tag trap unscathed. I mean, sure, nobody actually got hurt as a result of that but it’s still a dick move. Then, we have the scene where they literally destroyed a church and disrupted an aa meeting just so they could catch Jerry off guard and tag him. Again, they’re supposed to be best friends and yet they give more of a shit about trying to “win” their stupid game than actually helping their friend deal with his issues regarding alcoholism. Not to mention the fact that he never even told his “friends” he was dealing with these demons in the first place.

There’s also the fact that we now have yet a third instance of property destruction. The other came when hoagie was chasing chilli and they completely overturned some garbage cans during the chase. As if that weren’t bad enough, they then proceed to trespass in other people’s apartments, make a mess of their homes, destroy their screen door and completely wreck their AC unit, all for some silly game (although to be fair, hoagie does help a bit after Chilli messed up her laundry but, really, it’s too little, too late). And the end was probably the worst part.

They actually tried to tag Jerry on the day of his wedding thereby completely ruining the ceremony and no doubt leaving at least a few guests bewildered and confused. And, sure, he probably deserved it for all the physical pain he inflicted on them over the years but still, two wrongs don’t make a right. The fact is they cared more about “winning” the dumb game than the welfare and happiness of someone they supposedly consider one of their best friends. This is what led to them screwing up the ceremony on the most important day of his life.

As if that’s not despicable enough, he seriously injured the pastor during their ridiculous escapade. And I almost forgot to mention one of them even tagged another one at a funeral. Is nothing sacred anymore? Also, take a look at the wedding scene. You notice anything peculiar about the wedding party? How about the fact that none of the guys are in it. These are supposed to be his four best friends and yet, in lieu of standing up there with him at the altar, they’re right down in the audience with the rest of the wedding goers. And, yes, you could argue that he was worried about being tagged but they had a truce, right? And as far as Jerry knew, that truce was still in place. So why weren’t they up there with him?

Also, after he tackles the pastor, you know what the first thing Jerry says is? Is it are you ok? Do you need me to call an ambulance? No, literally, the first thing he said after he potentially got really hurt was you scared away the swans. Again, this is supposed to be one of his best friends and he may have just broken a handful of bones. But, sure, let’s fixate on the swan’s wellbeing instead.

And we haven’t even mentioned the fact that, at the beginning, they purposely interrupt sable’s therapy session just so they can recruit him into their convoluted scheme. Because why care about your friend’s mental health when you could be using him as a pawn in your grand plan to ruin your other friend’s wedding day?

Not to mention at the end, they go full savage during the game in the middle of a hospital (especially Anna). This is easily a recipe for disaster that could easily end with someone on life support accidentally getting unplugged or knocking over someone in a wheelchair. But as long as they get their kicks trying to tag each other, what difference does it make?

Face facts, you guys. These are not friends. They’re just five sociopaths who happen to enjoy each other’s company and if they have to destroy public property or render each other unconscious to avoid being tagged, that’s just good old fashioned horseplay. They’re basically the Seinfeld clan of the big screen (or it’s always sunny, if you prefer).

Because real friendship looks a lot like marriage. You care about each other, you talk about your issues, you check in on them when they do stupid shit that lands them in the hospital and you would sooner jump off a cliff before letting any harm come to them. But as long as they finally get Jerry, who cares about any of that, huh? That’s the mentality of five people with no regard for human life or other people’s property. And that is why Tag is less of a film about friends staying in touch and more of a live-action version of wile e coyote vs. the roadrunner.